There are days when I find myself completely unable to do anything productive because Iām trapped in a very negative, depressive state of mind. Iāve noticed that external triggers often amplify these feelingsāif someone criticizes me and I sense thereās truth to it, it can hit me hard. Iāll retreat deep inside myself, erasing any ideas and motivation from my thoughts. On top of that, I become extremely self-critical, turning everything in my life into a disasterāor at least convincing myself that itās a disaster and that Iām worthless.
In those moments, I canāt even escape through hobbies like writing or drawing. Instead, a sort of darkness overtakes me, paralyzing any sense of positivity, and I end up viewing the world around me through a harsh, cynical lens.While these feelings may sound familiar to some, Iām fortunate in that I can often break free by changing my surroundings or simply letting time pass.
After a while, the negative energy tends to get replaced by a more measured perspective, and little by little, I manage to pull myself out of that awful swamp of self-defeat.What usually follows are lighter, more positive stretchesāthankfullyāalong with a renewed sense of optimism, energy, enthusiasm, patience, and creative inspiration.
However, going through these cycles feels like being a shaken-up bottle. I never quite know where I stand, and I find myself swinging from one extreme to the other. The only comforting thought is that it does eventually pass and, for a time, I end up in a better place.This isnāt exactly new for me. Iāve experienced these ups and downs since at least my late teens, around the age of 17.Itās easy to withdraw into yourself when you donāt have to shoulder the responsibilities of a family youāve built and love.
Love truly is the greatest gift Iāve been able to nurture and experience. But I canāt say the same for the family I didnāt chooseāthe one that shaped who I am today, but from which Iāve distanced myself, for better or worse. There are some roads we simply donāt want to revisit, out of fear theyāll reopen old wounds weāre not prepared to face.Unfortunately, many of us realize far too late just how much our childhood influences the adults we become.
I canāt help feeling some bitterness when I see how Iām still dealing with damage caused by adults who, looking back, were less responsible than I would have hoped. In a way, I was accustomed to extremes from a young age, and Iām learningāslowly but surelyāto accept them in my life and to handle them with a bit more nuance. Since Iām not above blame or guilt myself, Iām also learning to be more forgiving of other peopleās extremes, especially when theyāre beyond my control. Some influences lift us up; others drag us down and fill us with anger because they leave us little say in the matter.
In the end, what truly matters is recognizing that these spells of darkness, overwhelming as they may feel, are neither permanent nor definitive of who we are. Each low point offers an opportunity to better understand our emotional triggers, to establish healthier boundaries, and to rediscover our inner resilience. And when the fog finally lifts, we emerge stronger, more compassionate toward ourselves, and better prepared to navigate whatever challenges lie ahead.